A heap of Broken Images
by ramblingonandon
Summary: Post-episode After the Storm, a 'what if' scenario about an amazing partnership. Because when you set fire to some bonds they only meld tighter together.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I was working on another story but this idea wouldn't let me go, this is me getting it out of my system. This is my first ever fic in this fandom, so I may not have a good grasp on the characters. Although I tried to keep them true to the show. I have changed a bit of their past to get the story going, but apologize for any plot holes [although I think there isn't much plot] that may appear. The title is borrowed from T.S Eliot's poem Wasteland, [he is a genius]**

 **By the way, I'm no expert on police procedures or medicine**

 **I'm done with this story so hopefully will be posting it regularly while I go back to the one I had started before this.**

 **The inspiration for this story came from the song 'Broken' by Lifehouse. Listen to that while you read each chapter and I'm hoping the connection will shine through.**

 **English is not my first language so I apologize for any mistakes beforehand.**

 **Not making any money and I don't own anything recognizable in this story.**

* * *

It was over; for now. Maddox – or Marks – or whatever other alias he may have used was finally dead and the mystery of Johanna Beckett's death had been blown wide open, at least for them. His friends were safe for now and for the first time since Captain Montgomery had been gunned down Kevin felt the ground settling under his feet.

Stepping into the empty elevator he pressed the 12th floor button and sagged against the back wall. Sure he had felt the sting of being cut off when he had found his three friends working the Maddox case without him, albeit off the records. But he could understand where they were coming from. He had clearly shown them where his loyalties lay and there was nothing he could do if his friends believed it to be against them.

His fist tightened around the folder he carried and he resisted the urge to punch a hole in the metal wall. They saw him as goody-two-shoes; they saw him as a stickler for rules, if only they understood that he was the biggest sentimental idiot of them all.

Kevin Ryan had learned the need to follow procedures the hard way, he had paid the entirely too big a cost of personal loyalty over proper channels once and he'd be damned if he would lose another partner that way.

If it meant that he would be labeled as a traitor and that his friends would be more cautious of what to share with him, well it was fine by him as long as were alive to do so. But deep down he wished they would understand; he wished Javier could see that he would always have his back even if it meant that he was the one standing against his best friend. Nothing, not even the partnership he held so dear would come in his way in order to keep safe the people he cared about.

They were safe and Kevin believed whole heartedly that he could survive their mistrust as long as it meant they were safe. A small smiled pulled at his lips as he stepped out of the elevator and walked to his desk at a rather slow pace. Kate had seemed happy despite the mess with Bracken. And whatever people may assume about him, Kevin was a detective, he could see she had finally realized her feelings for a certain writer and had gotten together with Castle. He thought it was cute that the couple believed they were a secret when even Johnson, the night guard at the gate was in the betting pools concerning those two.

Shaking his head in fond exasperation Kevin looked down at his cell phone that he had pulled out without a thought and stopped himself just in time to press the speed dial to the familiar number. It was instinctual by now to share an observation with Javier, to hang out together, to play Madden, to quietly share a beer, the small rituals of everyday life that he hadn't even registered until the silent wall had been thrown up in his face by his best friend.

"… _.Judas,"_ Javier's voice echoed in his mind, _"Judas."_

Kevin shook his head in a vain attempt to dislodge the thought. His partner's face full of disdain, jaw clenched at perceived betrayal, dark eyes flashing with anger, the man fuming as he marched out of the precinct without a backwards glance, not interested in what Kevin had been trying to say. It all whirled around in his tired mind like a single track on the entire record that was his recent memory.

Curling an arm around his lower chest, he gingerly took a seat in his chair, rolled it forward towards his desk and checked the square watch-face on his wrist. He frowned at the cracked glass and the watch hands that were stuck at three fifty-seven.

" _Castle!" Beckett had screamed just before he had grabbed her slipping fingers. The momentum of her fall broke abruptly and she swung a bit away from the building and then back. Kevin's wrist collided with the edge of the roof he was braced against and his watch-face cracked on the impact._

"And then time paused, balanced on the razor edge between life and death…" Kevin muttered under his breath as he channeled his inner-Castle.

God he missed his friends.

Kneading his left temple with the heel of his hand he momentarily imagined that he was home with Jenny. His love, his wife, she was the only good thing left in his life and at the time even she was out of the country. While a part of him wanted her there to sooth his nerves yet he was almost glad that she was away; he didn't want her caught in the silent treatment he was going through, he hoped it would all blow over by the time she came back home. Thinking about sinking in her embrace, he breathed in deeply and gasped at the exhale. His bruised ribs reminded him of the last night's beatings.

While most of the precinct had taken to look at him like he was the suspicious gunk stuck to the sole of their shoes, some had taken it upon themselves to get the message across more forcefully. In the last twenty-four hours he had become quite intimately acquainted with the 12th floor stairwell landing, the men's room tiled floor and the many shady corners at their floor that he had never previously paid mind to. Who knew their floor was a freakin death trap.

Squirming to find a comfortable position, Kevin started on the report for the day's incidents. The silence at the desk behind him and the empty desk across taunted him worse than the dirty looks sent his way. He knew in his heart that he did the right thing, Beckett was alive, she would soon be returning to her job, as would Javier and Castle would be back too. All of them were moving on, leaving behind the stress of the last couple of days while he was the one left with all the forms to fill and reports to file.

" _It's not fair Javi!"_

" _Well life isn't fair newbie!"_

Javier hadn't even considered the three years that Kevin had spent at the Narcotics department and adamantly dumped all the grunt work on his new partner. All he saw was a newbie who insisted on shortening his name like he couldn't find the effort to say it whole, while Kevin saw a cocky jerk who believed himself to be above the law.

It wasn't fair to either of them, Javier was still suffering from the loss of Ike, his deceased partner at the 54th and Kevin was still blaming himself for Leo's death. They had quite literally been thrown together for their first case and Montgomery had not been happy when Beckett had towed the two new detectives into his office after their first visit to a crime scene together. Kevin had been supporting a spilt, puffed lip that was still dribbling blood and Javier had a spectacular dark bruise closing up his eye. Montgomery was blowing steam out of his nose after finding out that his detectives were responsible for each other's condition.

Kevin paused the pen inches from the paper when the page in front of him started blurring. He rubbed his eyes, leaned his elbows on his desk and dropped his head in his hands. He desperately needed sleep; a solid, nightmare free sleep from which he didn't jackknifed awake every twenty minutes.

He had been so scared that day, scared that he would find his partner's body filled with bullet holes, sick to his stomach that Beckett and Javi might just get blown up. He groaned softly and curled an arm around his stomach as he felt the nausea rising.

He wasn't surprised to find that the bullpen had slowly emptied; no one bothered talking to him since he had betrayed his team and stabbed his partner in the back. Kevin looked to the side when he felt eyes on him and saw Captain Gates looking at him from the blinds of her window. She gestured for him to come into her office.

"Everything alright Detective?" she asked from where she leaned against her desk.

With her arms crossed in front of her and the stern gaze from over her spectacles, she would have fit right in with the nuns at his old school. Kevin suddenly felt like a knobby kneed boy with his hands coated in chalk dust as the familiar sensation of being a butterfly pinned onto a soft-board washed over him.

"Of course Sir," he said.

"Is there something you need to tell me?"

Kevin ignored her pointed look and straightened. Despite what his fellow officers thought of him, he was not a snitch and he didn't need the Captain to hold his hand and solve his problems.

"Everything is fine Sir," he offered her a flash of smile.

"Then what are you doing here so late?" she asked.

Kevin glanced down at his watch – right broken – he reminded himself and glanced at the wall clock behind the Captain. It said that it was nine thirty; Kevin frowned and wondered when that had happened.

"I was just finishing the reports sir,"

"You can do that tomorrow, go home detective," she said.

Kevin blinked at the thought; he hadn't been home since this entire chase started and Maddox surfaced again. It wasn't like Jenny was waiting for him; it wasn't like he was to go out for drinks with the gang and then head home for a night of Madden with Javier.

God he really missed his friends.

"I'll finish the reports and go." He said.

Captain Gates nodded as she turned around to pick up her bag and her coat. She looked him up and down when she found him still in his office staring at the wall clock behind her head.

"See that you do," she said.

Kevin started at her voice and nodded even though he hadn't caught what she had said, he was too mesmerized by the fact how time was slipping past him both too fast and too slow. Still in a bit of a daze, he followed her out of the office obediently and moved towards his desk. He really needed to clean it he decided, the wood was hardly visible under all the clutter, even his keyboard was laying on a stack of files.

"And Detective Ryan," Captain Gates stopped on her way, "Good job,"

Kevin gave her a nod in recognition and watched her leave; he stared long after the elevator doors had dinged closed. Standing in the empty bullpen he wondered how hollow the praise rang in his mind.

* * *

" _No, no, no, please Javi come on now," he begged._

 _His friend's face was lax in his hands, it was cold and it was heavy. There was blood soaking the knees of his pants, it coated his best friend's lips, stained his chin._

 _Then the weight in hands fell away and he's left looking down at the edge of the building where Beckett is lying too far down on the pavement. She's in her uniform, her peaked hat rolled away from the impact with the ground and a dark stain spreads from under her._

 _He turns around and Castle is staring at him._

" _Why didn't you save her Ryan?" he asks._

" _Why didn't you save me Ryan?" it's not Castle now but Leonard Patrick._

 _Bright blue eyes filled with accusation, his head still shaved like the last time they had gone undercover together, but then the eyes morph into dark betrayed ones._

 _There's still blood on Javier's lips as he looks up at him._

" _Judas…." He says in his last breath._

He sat up with a gasp and leaned forward immediately with his arms wrapped around his chest. His forehead landed with a thump on his keyboard and he groaned. The plastic buttons dug into his skin as he got his breathing under control.

He straightened slowly and pushing a hand through his hair he grimaced at the greasy feel of it. With a sigh he checked the time; three fifty-seven greeted him like a curse and blessing rolled into one.

Kevin rubbed his face and the crick in his neck as he checked his cell phone. It wasn't yet midnight he was pleased to note, still the same day, still a few hours left until tomorrow that would add to the list of his worst days ever.

He was so far gone in his own mind that it took him a while to note that his phone was ringing. He squinted at the small screen and frowned at the vaguely familiar number. He had a feeling it was someone from the force.

"Ryan," he answered it.

"Hello traitor, just wanted to know how you slept at night after getting your partner suspended.'

"You got something useful to say O'Donnell?" Ryan asked as he rubbed his eyes.

"Just wanted to tell you that no one likes a snitch,"

"Good to know," Ryan cut the call.

The phone rang again almost immediately and Kevin answered it with more force than it was necessary.

"Get a life O'Donnell." He snapped.

"Excuse me?" it was a woman and not just any woman.

"Sorry Lanie," Kevin sighed, "Is everything alright?"

"Why do you think an M.E would call an on-call Detective at this hour?" she countered.

Kevin frowned; he didn't know he was on call. It was O'Donnell's turn according to the roster. He rubbed his eyes and nodded at the phone when Lanie's voice rose up a notch.

"Kevin? Are you there?"

"Yeah, sorry you just caught me by surprise," he shrugged, "I didn't know I was on call."

"Are you ok Kevin?"

The Detective cursed himself when he heard the worry in her voice. The last thing he needed was anyone to find out that he was not on top of his game. He had a feeling that was why he hadn't been told about the swap in the on-call duties. His co-workers seemed to want to prove that he couldn't fulfill his duties.

"Message me the address Lanie, I'll be there in fifteen minutes." He said.

After a quick shower, he slipped into his gym sweats and t-shirt before heading out to the address Lanie had sent him. It was twenty-five minutes after her call when he pulled in behind the flashing blue and red lights of the patrol cars parked by the docks.

Moving past the yellow tape he nodded a greeting to the M.E crouched by the body of a young woman. His brain snapped alert and began taking notes without an effort even as he fully came upon the view, she was most likely in her 20s, fake jewelry, washed out pink dress and gaunt features that were nothing to do with the three bullet holes in her chest; no pool of blood under her Kevin noted.

"Not surprisingly, these are the ones that killed her," Lanie pointed to the bullet holes, "But this I don't understand."

She used a pen to lift up the slash in the dress over a deep wound low on the woman's stomach. It looked like someone had sliced open the girl's abdomen. Kevin motioned for Lanie's penlight and inspected the wound closely, already suspecting what he had been called upon.

He recognized the abused flesh from where the stitches had been opened and the incision made again.

"I think she was smuggling drugs," he said.

"So this is a retrieval gone bad?"

"Seems that way," he nodded, "three shots centre mass; feels like an execution."

Kevin looked around and spotted the dock master who was talking to a couple of officers in the uniform. He pushed to his feet and went to question the man. He wasn't surprised when old Mr. Trip insisted that she hadn't been there when he first walked by on his round of the area. While he didn't see a car, he did hear an engine and Kevin's working theory was confirmed that this was a dumping, the real murder had taken place somewhere else.

When he turned back he noticed the M.E watching him.

"So you're embracing the casual?" Lanie nodded as the paramedics took the body away.

"Hadn't the time to go home,"

"I bet Jenny loved that,"

"She's in Ireland at her grandmother's," he shrugged feeling the hollow sense of being abandoned creep into his shoulders.

"Well at least you've got friends here," Lanie gave him a pointed look. She had always been observant and never been one to waste words; Kevin knew exactly what she meant by her declaration.

"I know," he said.

"You don't look like you do," she raised a brow, "And I don't blame you for that."

He had to smile at that, her matter of fact tone had never felt more understanding and Kevin felt a prickling in his eyes that had nothing to do with the exhaustion that was setting in his bones. Lanie bestowed upon him her all-knowing smirk and reached out to grab his arm before he turned to leave.

"You've got friends here Kevin," she said.

He squeezed her fingers on his arm in gratitude and hurried away before she could catch the moist brightness in his eye.

* * *

By the time he was done with the preliminary investigation and made it back to the 12th, pale light of predawn had already washed the city in grey. He spent a few hours down in the evidence, collecting proof that this was not an isolated incident, just as he had suspected. Unidentified bodies like these had been turning up at the docks sporadically over the previous year.

He confirmed his findings with Lanie's analysis of the recent victim and rode the elevator up to his floor with the files of unsolved cases tucked under him arm. He frowned when he saw two men sitting at his desk. Looking down at himself, his frown deepened at how unprofessional he looked.

With a resigned sigh he moved forward and the tall dark man shot up from his seat when he neared.

"Detective Ryan?" he asked even as he extended a hand, "I'm Detective Jack Vincent from the Organized Crime this is partner Terry."

Kevin shook hands with both men and dumped the new case load of files on his desk.

"What can I do for you Detectives?"

"The Jane Doe you found at the docks, her death is a part of an active investigation." Detective Terry said, "We would like to investigate further into it."

"It's a homicide Detective and that means it's our job to solve this case."

"We can have a collaboration you know," Detective Vincent said as he leaned back a bit and crossed his arms in front of his chest, "You're Detective Kevin Ryan right?"

Kevin bit his cheek to hold in the snarky comment wanting to slip through; he hadn't expected the news of his betrayal to spread so fast. With a clenched jaw he leveled ice blue eyes onto the man before him.

"I am Detective Kevin Ryan," he spoke calmly, "Is there a problem?"

"My uncle works in the Narcotics, he told me about you," the man grinned suddenly, "Lieutenant Burke? You probably remember him from the –"

"Alisha incident," Kevin winced even as he nodded; he did not need reminding of that failure especially with what he was going through. Although they had managed to get the girl to safety, he still hadn't forgiven himself for the dumb mistake.

"Yeah," Vincent grinned wider, "And he always ends with how mistakes make the man, you and your partner are quite a legend in the new recruits down there."

Kevin had neither the time nor the energy for a trip down the memory lane, especially this one. Because no matter what his superiors had said, he still felt the weight of Leo's death on his shoulders. So he offered a polite smile and nodded for the two men to take a seat.

"Tell me about this investigation then,"

"I can't disclose much information without getting a go ahead from our chiefs but I can tell you this," Vincent said, "It's a wide ring dotted with important names and we've been trying to pin them for over a year now; lost two good men that we sent undercover."

His eyes widened suddenly and he looked at Kevin as though just seeing him. He looked to his partner who rolled his dark eyes a moment later and made a go-ahead motion with his hand. Vincent leaned forward and looked the Homicide Detective squarely in the eyes.

"You could really help us with this one," he said, "I've heard how good you are undercover; this could be what we need."

Kevin immediately shook his head, he was done going undercover; he had Jenny to think about now and that meant no silly risks. That was another reason he felt blessed to be partners with Javier, it was the best defense he could have in such a dangerous job. But then his mind pushed forward the latest interaction he had had with his partner. What if Javier refused to be his partner when he came back? No one else in the Homicide would step up for him after this particular incident and then what? He would have to transfer, but he couldn't go back to Narcotics, not after Leon. So wouldn't it be better to try carving a way for himself before he resigned from the team that he had betrayed?

"Think about it Detective Ryan, you would be saving a lot of innocent lives," Vincent got up from his seat and jotted down his number on the back of a card that he handed to Kevin, "I'll come down with my boss once Captain Gates comes in. We'll be working together to solve this murder anyway, but if you agree I can put in the word that you could go undercover for us."

Kevin watched the two Detectives leave in stunned silence, wondering if this was an opportunity offered to him to redeem himself, or to at least have something to fall back on once it was confirmed that he had no place in his team.

He didn't even register when he had dialed Javier's number and nearly started when the dial tone sounded against his ear. He walked away from his desk and to the break room, coming to stand by the window. The call went on and on, Javier hadn't answered his calls when he had rang at more human hours, Kevin mused he shouldn't be surprised that he didn't pick up this time either.

He didn't leave a message, had stopped doing that after the first few times.

Drawing a hand through his hair Kevin went in search of coffee, not wanting to dwell on how his best friend, someone who knew his so thoroughly had figured out that he was not worth his time. He rummaged around the cabinet until he found his mug and pulled it out only to find the handle broken, tucked within it. A single word on a strip of paper was there as well.

"Traitor," it said.

Calmly placing the mug back in its place Kevin flipped the card in his hand and dialed the number on its back.

"I'm so sorry Jenny," he whispered.

* * *

 **TBC**

 **Your thoughts?**


	2. Chapter 2

**I've never written a chapter this short, hope the content makes up for the lack of words...**

 **WARNING : Torture ahead, so I'm going to rate this particular chapter as M**

* * *

It started with water.

Cold liquid poured down his throat, burned down his nose until he was left a coughing, gagging, sputtering mess. The snickering wafted up to his ears as though from a far shore but the blood and water pounding in his head, drumming in his ears was too loud.

When he was straightened with a jerk he couldn't stop from gasping like a fish out of water and Kevin grinned through the wheezing because how ironic was that?

His expression was somehow interpreted as a signal for more water. It was enough to drown the agony in his shoulder where the bullet had found home, and was still embedded, right before he has woken up to find himself tied to a chair. As darkness washed away the world, he wondered that he really needed to ask these criminals what it was with their sick fascination of drowning a man on dry land.

... _He is sitting up on the stretcher in the back of the ambulance, an oxygen mask doing its wonderful job and an emergency blanket that didn't seem to understand what it's supposed to do. He jerks his head aside when a bright light shines in his eye and he can't stop his teeth from chattering._

 _The flashing blue and red beams are broken by a flitting shadow as someone hops into the back of the ambulance._

" _You gotta let the good lady do her job bro," an achingly familiar voice says._

" _I'm cold..." he manages to grouse through the shudders._

" _That's coz you're dripping enough to form your own personal puddle," with that his sight is blocked out without warning. But before he could panic, strong hands, gentle yet vigorous began rubbing his hair dry with the towel that's been deposited on his head..._

Something bit him in the crook of his elbow and he lazily blinked as the long silver sting pulled out of his skin. He had a feeling that he had forgotten something; it was nagging and nibbling at the memory that had disintegrated into the fog packed in his head. He groaned under the blinding light he was sitting in the middle of and blinked blearily up at the oppressive darkness.

"Fog, clouds, candy, cotton;" He grinned, "Yeah, heavy like wet cotton."

He rolled his head on the backrest of the chair and stared at the tiny red dot blinking in the deep black that was surrounding his patch of light.

"Something to let them know what we do with cops,"

He knew that voice, it's been grating on his nerves for so many days now. The man always sounded like he had a cold and Kevin was hard-pressed to offer him a hanky.

 _Yes a hanky_ , he told the oddly familiar snort in his mind that he could not identify, _not a tissue a hanky thank you very much._

"Cortez?" Kevin blinked into the darkness, "If you gave me that chronic flu of yours I'm not gonna be happy."

The punch to the center of his chest was a revelation. It let his muddled brain know of the looming presence beside him. The man was huge, freakishly so and he was wearing dark sunglasses. Kevin wished that he had a pair too; the light was burning his retinas.

"Douchebag," he muttered then chuckled to himself that dissolved into a cough.

He would have folded onto himself if he had been able to. Tied up as he was, it did nothing to help him against the furry creature trying to dig out of his lungs and claw out of his throat. It wouldn't let his breathing move and it was an eternity when Kevin was able to mange some semblance of an inhale. Ignoring the tingling in his lips he lifted his head again.

"Yup, I'm gonna call you douchebag." He said.

He had a vague sense that there was something off about his mind. He couldn't catch the thoughts that were hopping around the room in the form of neon bright bunnies. There were five on one side and four on the other.

Kevin frowned to himself because he had a feeling that there was something he needed to remember, but his bunnies started hopping again. Red, orange, green, blue, yellow, purple, pink, silver and gold; they jumped about in the darkness at an almost dizzying pace. He rolled his eyes to keep track of them until they again stopped, noses twitching as they sniffed the air, with five on one side of him and four on the other.

He decided to keep count of them on his fingers; the only problem was he couldn't feel those particular extremities. So Kevin flexed his hands and stretched his fingers, all five of one hand four on the other, at least he thought he did.

He glanced at the red dot blinking in the dark like a high cell tower; promising a strong reception for his cell phone, Kevin cocked his head to the side as it struck him that he needed to get a message out. He needed to tell someone how many bunnies there were so he kept the motion going, hoping that his hands were doing what he was willing them to.

"You will tell me the truth before you die," Cortez spoke from wherever he was, "Where is the hard drive?"

Oooooh he knew that one, the answer popped in his mouth and he had to clench his teeth to keep it in. He dropped his chin to his chest and bit the inside of his cheek when he felt the answer wrangling with his tongue. Whatever Cortez had pumped into him, it was one insisting serum.

The lingering smell of jasmines around him didn't help either. He frowned in the direction he thought the scent was coming from then looked back up at the Douchebag.

"The princess in her castle would defeat you," he said.

"Princess?"

"Oh yes, the lost princess," he nodded.

If he had any strength left to spare, Kevin would have been deeply embarrassed. This was what his mind came up with, colorful Bunnies and a Disney princess? From the music box set in the dark corner of his mind he could hear a teasing snort, could see a pair of warm brown eyes rolling in exasperation in the reflective lid.

He silently tried to decipher why the presence from the music box felt like someone he should know.

It led to fire.

He didn't see the Douchebag move to the side, didn't see him get the burner but a rough guttural scream escaped past his lips when the flames licked his skin. They reached the flesh in a matter of seconds that stretched into a life time.

The silence that followed was loud, beating like a drum beside his ears. The soft rustling of paper echoed like iron nails scratching against steel walls in his head.

"Detective Ryan who is your contact among my men?"

Kevin looked into the shadows and a slow nearly predatory smile pulled at his lips. He could trick his mind into twisting the question as a go ahead from Cortez to name the men he had come across while undercover.

"Jack Cortez, Seamus Charles, Dane Oken, L –"

The next burn scorched out the names from his memory. He screamed soft and low until all that was left of his awareness was the sticky stench of burning flesh. Even as black spots threaten to overwhelm his too white vision he kept a count of his bunnies on his fingers.

" _Hey Kev?"_

" _Hmmm..."_

" _Thanks man,"_

" _Uh?"_

" _For havin my back through all this mess, you didn't even know Ike."_

 _He raises the bottle in his hand and clinks it with the one raised by another at his side._

" _Till the wheels fall off," he murmurs._

" _Till the wheels fall off," it sounds like a promise._

 _The presence beside him on the orange sofa that had seen better days is comfortingly solid; it's strong, like a pillar holding the building together from way deeper then the basement and to the highest point of the roof._

"I will break you Detective Ryan," Cortez said, "I broke the other two, you're no different."

He was so deep in his pit of agony that the pain when it came was a surprise in itself. The flash of the blade from the corner of his eyes made his heart beat faster and he hoped fervently that it was a part of his hallucination. The white hot line that it left in its wake confirmed it otherwise.

His limbs shook under the strain of pain and the need to escape, to get away from the raw anguish radiating from the patch that stretched just shy of halfway from the back of his shoulder. Bile stirred to push up past his throat but a cough rode it out. It jarred viciously the skin that was peeled back from his shoulder blade.

It was air.

Who knew the necessary, invisible menace could wreck such agony. Kevin was too aware of its maliciousness as it set alight all the exposed nerve endings. It was too much for him to focus on the brightly colored bunnies.

"I will make you sing," Cortez sounded sure of himself.

He clenched his jaw tight to keep in the mewling sound that threatened to escape him. Pulling in a ragged breath and with the greatest effort Kevin lifted his head up, he looked through the fringes of his hair that had fallen in his eyes. He couldn't see the man in the shadows but he had a general idea of where he stood.

"Didn't know you were masochist too," he said.

He welcomed the lightening punch to his side and felt something shake loose inside his chest. Something broke; the pain chased it up to his mind like a crack on ice.

 _The solid, warm presence by his side walks just a bit ahead. He reaches out and grabs on; but the dark eyes that turn to him are full of hurt and rage. He can't speak though he wants to; he can't plead though he's willing to and the buildings around the alley tremble._

 _His hand is shaken off and the warmth recedes. A shudder escapes him and Kevin splinters._

"Who is your partner Detective Ryan?"

Kevin snapped his head up, eyes wide in shock. The question bounced around in his head like a hyped tennis ball and sucked the fog like a sponge. Everything in his years at the Homicide crashed into him with a shattering force that left him unhinged.

" _Javi,"_ the name formed in his mind.

He was his partner though he may not want to be now. It pained him somewhere deeper than flesh and broke something stronger than his bones. The simple question from Cortez was a torture far worse than what he had just gone through.

" _Javi,"_ his mind supplied but he shook his head.

"Who is your partner Detective Ryan?"

" _Javi,"_ his mind insisted.

But he could not say it, not because he wasn't sure about their position right now but to save the man he looked upon as his brother.

He didn't even flinch when the fist connected with his sternum; just sagged against his bindings.

"Your partner Detective Ryan?"

" _Javi,"_ his mind screamed.

But he could not condemn the man; the effort to stay the name left him breathless.

" _Javi,"_ it was almost a whisper now; petulant, insistent, downright bratty.

It gave this entire suffering a meaning; a reason to not let go entirely. Kevin nodded to himself and cast a flimsy net of his last remaining will to gather up his shattered wits. He lifted his head and looked up at Douchebag.

"I have no partner," he said.

"You're lying!" Cortez skirted the edge of the bright ring cast by the lights, "There's always a partner. There were two of you last time!"

"I have no partner,"

Cortez has had enough; he leapt forward and grabbed the Detective by his throat. This man was somehow fighting Cortez's own brand of truth serum, one that he was sure would work.

"You will tell me who your partner is!" he roared in his face.

" _Javi,"_ it reverberated in his mind and Kevin bit his tongue to stop it from slipping out.

"There are always two of you, who is the other one?" Cortez shook him hard.

His head wobbled, his chair screeched and Kevin realized that he would have to give a name; a name of his partner, but not Javi.

"Leo," he said.

The silence was thick; Cortez glared down into his eyes. Kevin could feel his sour breath on his face but he was just relived that the painful urge to talk had finally released its hold on his brain. It would come again with the next question but Kevin decided not to leave things to chance.

"Leo and I, we've been partners for almost three years now. We work out of Narcotics. He's 6'1, broad shouldered, shaved head and blue eyes." He said it all aloud not just for his captors but for his tired mind to internalize and focus on.

"Good," Cortez patted the side of his face, "I knew you'd talk."

He didn't get a chance to get a word in as the world plunged to pitch dark. The blinking red light went out and someone cut through the tape holding him in his seat. Kevin felt the tug in his hair as someone pulled him upright and he was surprised that his shaky legs could still hold his weight.

Rough hands pushed a coarse bag over his head and his numbed feet tingled as he was pushed ahead towards where ever the person behind him was leading him to. He knew he was being led to his execution but there was no strength left in him to struggle.

On the brink of passing out Kevin stumbled and fell to his knees. Hands under his arms dragged him off a little way and pulled the bag from over his head. He blinked rapidly when they came into the light and his dazed vision focused on the man standing a few feet away. It was the Douchebag behind that mask; Kevin just knew it. He stared head on as the unflinching gun trained onto him.

"Javi," he murmured under his breath as three shots rang out in the early morning.

It ended on a soft green patch of earth.

* * *

 **TBC**

 **This would be a good time to remind you that this is not a death fic.**


	3. Chapter 3

Javier Esposito stepped out of the elevator on the first day after his suspension and looked across the bullpen to find Kate Beckett and Richard Castle deep in discussion.

"Yo! What're you two cooking up?" he asked as he approached them, "We caught a case yet?"

"Not yet," Beckett offered him a warm smile that dropped as she looked towards their Captain's window.

They could see the woman pacing the entire length of her office with her phone stuck firmly to her ear.

"Although something big seems to be going on," Castle said, "Could be a top secret assassin who'd gone rouge and is now targeting corporate tycoons. Oh or it could be –"

"I'll see if I can find out," Javier rolled his eyes, "I still have to get back on duty officially and I don't want my first day back to be marked as late."

With a cocky grin he knocked on the Captain's door and nearly lost his footing when the door was viciously jerked open. The Captain signaled him in with two fingers and nodded towards his badge, his service weapon and a form placed neatly on her desk.

She placed a hand on the mouthpiece of her cell phone and glared at him from over the top of her spectacles.

"Any day Detective Esposito," she hissed.

The ex-military, street smart tough guy nodded obediently and hurried out of there in record time. He glanced back as Captain Gates slammed the door shut; already deep in conversation with whomever it was on the other end.

"I think there might just be a bit of truth in your story Castle," he said.

He plopped into his chair, swirled it around and frowned at the cluttered desk he came face to face with. Kevin was a neat freak, so much so that Javier believed it to be borderline OCD. He glanced around at the still quite empty bullpen and frowned when he couldn't find his partner.

Coming over to the precinct he had been rehearsing what to say to his partner. He had expected him to be the one offering explanations the second Javier stepped out of the elevator. Sure he had been mad at Kevin for going behind his back and ratting them out, but a lengthy cold shoulder from Lanie, a lecture from Beckett and several hours spent pounding his punching bag had grudgingly opened the logic of a different perspective.

It wasn't that he wasn't angry at Kevin anymore, simply that he had accepted that most of his anger was towards his own self over a perceived failure in something that apparently his partner had succeeded in. Kevin had saved Beckett's life while Javier had told her that he would have her back and then hadn't been able to. He wasn't good at feeling useless while the people he cared about were in danger.

And the truth of it was that he had missed his best friend. He may not have wanted to talk to him when this all had started but once he had cooled down he had wished that Kevin would call; something that his own ego hadn't allowed him to do.

"Have any of you heard from Ryan?" it was Captain Gates.

"It isn't like him to be late Sir," Beckett glanced at the empty chair.

"I know that detective, but I want to know if he had contacted you since yesterday?"

"He rang early Friday morning," Javier frowned because that put the call in the previous week. Now that he thought about it he realized Kevin hadn't called him since that morning; the information tightened into a knot in his stomach.

He looked to Beckett and Castle who shook their heads in negative. The Captain's face fell as she stabbed the numbers on her cell phone and disappeared back into her office. The three of them looked at each other and then at the empty seat between them.

"Where are you Kev?" Javier muttered to himself.

Their heads turned as one when the elevator dinged to a stop at their floor, but instead of Kevin a tall dark man appeared from behind the metal doors and strode over to their Captain's office with a manila envelope clutched in his hand.

They watched through the open blinds of the window as Captain Gates hurried over to the man. He didn't look up as he talked, shaking his head from time to time, his posture seemed to be shrinking his stature as he became more and more hunched. What astonished them was the way their Captain simply nodded as she backed up and bumped into the desk. She took off her spectacles with one hand while she grabbed the edge of her desk with the other.

"Something isn't right," Castle's face was uncharacteristically grim, "Beckett something is seriously not right."

He was the first one who crossed the distance, pushed open the door to the Captain's office and reached the rather dazed woman.

"What is it Captain?" he asked in a voice both gentle and firm, "Captain is it Kevin?"

Javier felt his breath stutter; he was the detective, he would know if it was about Kevin and he was sure it wasn't. Castle was a writer what did he know anyway?

Javier forced his lungs to push the inhale back out and sucked in a breath again. Distantly he could feel Beckett's small warm hand on his arm. He shrugged it off and rounded on the man who was staring at the envelope in his hands.

The man looked up with a start when Javier collard him and shoved him back into the wall.

"What have you done to Kevin?" he growled.

"Detective Esposito let him go," Captain Gate stepped between them even as Castle pulled him back, "Vincent and I will explain everything if you would all sit down."

Javier wasn't aware when he actually did sat down; he didn't register Beckett's hand in his as their Captain told them about some botched undercover assignment in which his partner, his best friend was supposed to have been killed. Apparently they had received the clip of his execution.

He didn't hear the details of it as his head filled with a buzz, almost as if he had just walked away from an explosion. It didn't make sense in his racing mind, Kevin wouldn't go undercover not for another department at least. He would have to think about Jenny, should have asked Javier for advice and he would have dragged his partner away from such ideas, kicking and screaming if he had to.

 _"Pick up the phone Javi, hear me out will you?"_

Javier shook off the last voice message he had received from his friend and instead focused on Detective Vincent as he handed a C.D from the manila envelope to their Captain. This man was the reason; he was the one who had pushed Kevin into this suicidal move. He had convinced his partner to go undercover.

Javier was out of his seat and had pinned the man to the wall with his gun to his chest before any of the room's occupants could stop him. He dug the muzzle of his service weapon in the man's sternum and increased the pressure on his windpipe with his forearm.

" _Lay off of Vincent Javi, it's not his fault,"_

Javier whipped his head around so fast it left spots dancing in his eyes. On the screen on Captain Gate's computer was his partner, rolling his eyes and looking haggard.

" _Just let me start of by saying it's no one's fault, quit blaming yourself because no one's guilty here except who ever pulled the trigger. At least that's what I think will happen. Had happened," Kevin drew a hand through his hair and sat back, "had happened," he tested the words._ _H_ _is eyes dropped to his hands before he shook his head and looked up again. "It's done; just don't carry the guilt on your shoulders. No one blames any of you. I don't blame you."_

Javier couldn't look away. His grip slipped from Vincent and his arms fell uselessly by his sides. He slumped into the first chair that he bumped into, eyes never straying from the screen.

 _Kevin looked down in his lap_ ; Javier just knew he was twisting his wedding ring. He had often teased the man for this nervous habit.

" _I'm so sorry Jenny," Kevin finally looked up, "I never wanted this to happen. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you all the details that would be coming out now but please Jenny remember that I love you. I didn't tell you about everything that had happened recently because you've been planning this trip your whole life and I didn't want to ruin it for you."_

 _He leaned closer to the webcam and for a few moments only the twin bright blue of his eyes were visible, "God, Jenny I wish I could hold you one more time. I wish we could have a family together. Whatever you hear, whatever you feel right now, just don't doubt that I love you and I want you to be happy."_

 _He sat back again and dipped the webcam away from his face._

Javier held his breath until the screen shifted and his partner's face was visible. There was telltale redness to his eyes as he rubbed his face. But then he grinned at the camera. It was honest and teasing and so bright that Javier instinctually felt his lips curling up

" _I'm glad you found some peace Beckett, you deserve it. And you don't know how happy it makes me to see you at this new beginning." He gave a nod then chuckled, "Castle I'm one of the lucky few who knows what you're feeling at this point in your life. Cherish it, hold on to it and whatever people say never stop with your insane theories, it's what keeps us sane."_

" _Oh and Lanie you don't know how much your special brand of kindness had helped me to keep going. When I started here, I learned so much from you and you never complained when I whined to you about my new partner. I guess you were my first friend at Homicide and I don't think I've thanked you for that. So thank you."_

 _The grin dropped from his face and Kevin sighed as he drew a hand through his hair; by now they were thoroughly mussed and their ends had stood up at odd angles._

Javier swallowed hard. His hands tightened onto the armrest of the chair and his vision blurred. Something warm trickled down the side of his face but he was coiled too tight to risk movement. He would be breaking necks and punching in faces if he dared shift in his seat. He knew what was coming and he didn't want to see it or hear it.

He didn't want the goodbye damn it!

" _I'm not gonna say I'm sorry Javi." Kevin looked directly in the webcam again, "I'm not sorry for what I did and once you get over beating yourself up for what you see as your failure you'll get what I'm saying."_

 _He closed his eyes and kneaded the side of his head with his fingers. When he looked in the webcam again his eyes were unnaturally bright._

" _Guess the wheels fell off after all huh?"_

Javier watched as his friend looked away and it was a few long minutes before Kevin turned his attention back to the video he was making.

" _Look, I get that you wouldn't want to be partners with a traitor," he pulled in a deep breath, "But I wish that's what your partner is whoever you get. Can't have you killed because you partner was too busy agreeing with you instead of watching your back."_

" _Captain Gates please find him the most stubborn, over-thinking, stick in the mud for a partner. I don't want my best friend following me to the afterlife before his time."_

 _A distant sound of the elevator stopping at his floor had Kevin glancing back over his shoulder. He looked back into the webcam one last time._

" _Love you guys, lookout for each other and stay safe! Bye!"_

The screen went dark.

Javier didn't look away; he sat like he was carved out of stone. One that didn't even breathe until a slim warm hand wrapped around the death grip he had on the armrest. He swung his head to the side and saw Beckett.

Her eyes were red rimmed, soft, yet firm and concerned; it took him a second to realize she was concerned for him. He blinked when the hand on his squeezed.

"Javi you with us?" she asked.

He nodded silently and looked to the dark screen again, half expecting his partner to offer a quip.

Javier shook his head and pushed to his feet. The room felt too small, the walls sliding in and closing over his head. Desperate to get out he turned for the door and got tangled in his chair, stumbled over it and nearly landed on his face. Only his ingrained training saved him from the faceplant and he waved away the helping hands. They were not the ones he wanted.

Javier marched out from the Captain's office without a backwards glance and no sense of where he was headed to.

Trust was a precious commodity for him, one that he didn't offer easily or readily. It had been taken and never returned far too early in his life when his father had bailed on him. He had grown up with the ever increasing walls around his sanity; he didn't let people through into his heart and mind unless he was absolutely sure that they wouldn't steal from what was left of it.

People come and go, willingly or unwillingly. The secret was not to get too deeply attached. To those he came to care about he offered them bits of his trust in exchange for loyalty. Still he kept them at a cautious distance.

Now it hit him with all the subtlety of a skidding truck that someone had managed to bypass all the locks and bolts, someone had reached the scrap of innocence somehow still left in him after a lifetime of hardships, juvie and war.

Their arguments and their theories, the difference of approaches and point of view, the bets and the dares, the late night Madden sessions over pizza, beer and an ugly rescued sofa; it had all morphed into a friendship that he had craved and lost hope for as a child.

His friend knew him; he knew what was making Javier so angry all along. For all his tough exterior and rebukes to anyone who dared to try and understand him it was almost funny how easily his best friend had read him through and through.

Javier frowned when he noticed that he was staring into his own reflection in the mirror. He had no idea how he had made it here and growled angrily when the door to his side opened.

"Lanie?" he stared open mouthed, "It's the men's room, what're you doing here?"

She silently walked closer to him.

"You needed me," she said.

He went into her arms not just willingly but gratefully. He let her hold him close, buried his face in her neck and breathed easy for once in her kindness. He ignored the hot prickling in his eyes and was thankful when she didn't mind the wetness on his face.

When her fingers slid through his hair he couldn't stop the chocked sob that escaped him and he clenched his eyes shut even more tightly.

Blue gaze flashed in his memory and he remembered himself looking to his side, feeling the concern for his then new partner for the first time. It was their first automobile chase together and they had been coming around to consciousness in their car that was tipped over to its side.

" _You with me Kevin?" he asked._

" _Did the wheels fall off?"_

 _Javier cast a hasty glance outside,_ " _No," he said_

" _There ya go," his partner deadpanned._

He held the woman in his arms just a bit more tighter.

"He's not dead Lanie," Javier pulled away from her, "He's not dead."

The woman looked him in the eyes and he was thankful that there was no pity there. She leaned closer and placed a soft kiss on his cheek but when she drew back there was a determined gleam in her soft dark eyes.

"Prove it Javi," she said.

* * *

Kate Beckett and Richard Castle looked up when Javier stormed out of the men's room. The entire bullpen seemed to hold its breath as he went up to his team.

"Look I know they're sure of it but I still think –"

"He's not dead," the other two piped up.

A small grin flashed across his face and he felt the tension in his shoulders loosen a bit. At least his team didn't think he was going out of his mind, at least they were going to give his partner a chance. He watched as another Detective exited the elevator and made for the Captain's office.

The trio barged in right after him.

"Vincent we gotta go," the newcomer said.

"Wait, how do you know Kevin is dead," Javier stopped them.

"I told you we received a clip of his execution,"

"Come on Vincent," the newcomer made to usher the Detective towards the door.

"We'll need to see that clip," Beckett stepped in front of the two and effectively blocked their exit.

"This is an ongoing investigation, we can't share evidence without good reason," it was the new Detective amongst them who replied, "Since Detective Ryan is dead, I don't see why we should give you the clip."

Before anyone could reply to that Castle raised a hand like a student in a class. The broad shouldered man frowned at the writer and gave him a vague nod.

"Yes, if I may," Castle smiled, "Who are you anyway?"

"He's my partner Terry," Vincent replied, "And if they want we can show them the clip man, it's his team."

"And we don't know who informed the Reapers about our man on the inside," Detective Terry growled, "For all we know it was someone trying to get back at the traitor."

"You sent him undercover for Reapers!" Beckett pulled a hand through her hair and turned to the Captain, "You let him go in there?"

"It was his decision," Captain Gates replied.

"And who're you calling a traitor?" Javier stepped closer to Detective Terry.

"Oh like you don't know,"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Look, calm down, Terry's just referring to the rumor mill." Detective Vincent slipped himself between the two men, "We heard stories from people feeling righteously angry."

"Explain," Beckett almost growled.

"They may have come across some people who feel upset about Detective Ryan's actions that led to your suspensions." Captain Gates explained.

" _ **Our**_ actions led to _**our**_ suspensions." Beckett said.

"He was given a hard time at the precinct for that?" Javier couldn't believe it.

"That's an understatement," Detective Terry snorted.

"You should've heard the cooler talk we walked in on," Detective Vincent shook his head.

"And you let it happen?" Javier stared at the Captain who looked very unimpressed by the lack of respect.

"I mean you didn't know about this Sir?" he amended hastily.

"I had an idea but no proof," she adjusted her spectacles, "Detective Ryan didn't come forward with a complaint."

Javier knew his partner, it wasn't a wise act but he could understand the sentiment. Kevin must have wanted it to blow over and he wouldn't have wanted to appear as a snitch that apparently people were already seeing him as.

The frustrated Detective drew a hand over his short cropped hair and turned to Vincent.

"We need to see that clip," he said.

"What good would it do to you? I'm sorry to say this but the man is dead," Detective Terry cut in.

"You haven't found a body." Castle spoke up from beside Javier.

"No, but we're sure of it,"

"You're absolutely certain that Detective Ryan is dead?" Castle asked.

"Yes,"

"There is no way that this is not a murder?"

"No way,"

"Good then, because solving a Homicide is this department's job am I right Captain Gates?"

In the end it was Detective Vincent who led out a very disgruntled Detective Terry off of their floor. He promised to come down with the clip himself but warned them that there were no solid clues about the murderer.

Javier had just turned around to go back to his seat when the elevator doors behind him opened again. He paid them no mind until a woman called out to him.

"Javi?"

He turned around just in time to find his arms full of his best friend's wife. Jenny threw her arms around his neck and held him tight for a moment.

"Oh thank God you're alright," she pulled away, "Your Captain called me last night to ask me to come down urgently, said that it was something about Kevin. I was so scared, I couldn't sleep right since he told me about going undercover, my only peace was that you'll be watching his back and if you're standing here then Kevin is fine too right?"

"Jenny…."

"He's fine right Javi?"

"You should meet the Captain first…."

"You'd know if – if, well you would be there with him every step of the way –"

"He told you I was going in with him?"

"No," she frowned suddenly, "No, I just assumed….."

"Jenny? Come on, let's go see the Captain," Kate Beckett gently maneuvered her towards the Captain's office.

Javier was immensely grateful for Beckett's intervention. He nodded his thanks as she led the woman away. His best friend's wife kept glancing back his way over her shoulder. He could not meet her fearful eyes.

"He's alive and we'll find him," Castle was at his side.

"Of course we will," Javier hastily wiped the back of his hand over his eyes, "And then I'm gonna smack him upside the head for this."

* * *

 **TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you everyone for taking the time to review this story. Your words are appreciated and doted upon and awaited with an eagerness that is borderline unhealthy.**

* * *

Kate Beckett was an only child from a family that had had been cruelly broken, it didn't take a genius to guess her approach towards commitment and relationships. But then she was also a cop, commitment and fellowship was the creed. So she observed with painful trepidation while her one brother tortured himself over the death of another as Javier watched over and over the clip that showed his partner get gunned down.

The large man standing a little more than a few feet away from the slumped figure of Kevin wasn't recognizable behind the mask he wore. Even after watching it more than eight times, Beckett still flinched when Kevin fell to his side.

"Our people are trying to identify the terrain," Detective Vincent said.

Beckett nodded; she wasn't surprised when Javier stood up with a jerk and stalked off. There was no chance that anyone could have survived those bullets. She thanked Vincent for his help and stared at the white board where they had clipped Kevin's face in the place of victims.

A lingering touch at her elbow told her that Castle was there, she didn't even know that she was shivering until the man pulled her to her seat and handed her a mug of coffee. A smile flashed on her face although her eyes dropped to her mug and the heart drawn in the coffee foam reignited the prickle in her eyes; it was childish and romantic and so much like the man before her.

"He's alive," Castle leaned forward and gripped her knee.

She looked at him in wonder; this man wasn't a stranger to hardships, he'd seen disappointments in his past and yet his furious hope blazed when her own had sputtered out. It was the best thing about him she decided, his unrelenting optimism.

"How?" she asked barely above a whisper.

"I won't believe otherwise until I see him not breathing with my own eyes."

This time her smile didn't disappear, she nodded and stood with renewed vigor to meet Javier and the three of them turned together to face the whiteboard.

"Looks like the traitor got what was coming for him, right Esposito?"

If looks could kill, Detective O' Donnell would have been dead three times over where he stood. With her own blood boiling, Beckett didn't have the presence of mind to stop Javier when he lunged towards the smirking Detective.

It was Castle who stepped in.

"No, Javier think about it." He grabbed the man with both his hands, "You don't want to get suspended, not before we solve this case."

"What're you insane?" Detective O'Donnell stared wide eyed, "I'm on your side man, even let that backstabbing idiot know that. Pounded it good in his brain –"

A loud sound of knuckles connecting with a face echoed in the bullpen. Beckett collard the man with the same hand she had punched him with and brought him down to her eyelevel.

"Never lay a finger on the people I care about," she told him in a voice dangerously soft, "And if I were you O'Donnell I'd watch my back from now on."

She shoved the man away when someone pointedly cleared their throat behind her. She turned to find Captain Gates deeply engrossed in the open file in her hands. She snapped it shut and handed the folder to Beckett.

"Detective Vincent sent this for you," she said.

The thick folder sat heavy in her hands and Beckett waited for the other shoe to drop. She had never been more surprised in her life when Captain Gates turned around to leave without another word.

O'Donnell shoved past Beckett and hurried after their Captain.

"Captain Gates didn't you see Beckett just assaulted me?"

"I'm sorry Detective O'Donnell I must have missed it while I was reading the file," she nodded and her voice raised several notches, "Did anyone here see Detective Beckett assault Detective O'Donnell?" she asked.

People suddenly turned back to their work and busied themselves into the first menial task they found. The general white noise of their office began anew and O'Donnell cursed under his breath as he stalked off to tend to his split three of them glanced at each other in muted amusement before Javier dropped in his chair and pulled it closer to his desk to start his research. He frowned at the new email in his official account that simply said: 'Watch me'

It was something that would have him waking up in cold sweat for many years to come. Later he would find out that he wasn't the only one who received the email, it was a video forwarded to every cop in the twelfth.

* * *

That time it was Castle who found him in the men's room staring into the cracked remains of the mirror as the trails of red flowed down into the pristine white washbasin. Jagged glass fragments, flecked with red were strewn across the dark vanity.

"Javi," Castle came forward slowly, his eyes moved from the Detective's blank face to the bleeding knuckles that gripped the edge of the washbasin.

Javier didn't respond to the hand that came to rest on his shoulder but the gentle squeeze may as well have been a shockwave from a bomb. His shoulders sagged, his head dropped and a ragged breath escaped him.

"He said he has no partner," it came out wrangled and torn.

Castle, the man who could come up with convoluted theories at the drop of a hat, could turn making coffee into sounding like a secret mission, was at loss for words. Javier had never been more grateful of his silence. Because with all the jabbering the man was capable of, the Detective knew that when the writer actually talked it meant a whole lot more than the entire running commentary he had going on.

"He was under the affects of a truth serum," Javier shook his head.

Because wasn't that a blow; his partner had denied their brotherhood in truth.

"He hardly gave any sensible answers," Castle shook his head.

"Exactly," Javier thought he might just break the washbasin in his hold, "He honestly believed that he had no partner."

"This is Kevin we are talking about," Castle said, "In his mind he may be protecting you,"

"Protecting me?" Javier nearly snarled as he turned around and shook off the comforting grip, "Protecting me from what?"

"From this gang, from whoever it is in this department that had ratted him out."

Javier frowned, his tired brain snapped alert as it focused on something that he had picked up on in that nightmare of a video. He had noticed it but hadn't thought anything of it. Standing there with Castle who was implying that Kevin's thoughts had been lucid enough to try and protect him it appeared to him in a new light. What if it wasn't an instinctual act to manage the pain but something else?

"Five and four," Javier whispered, "five and four, what does that make?"

"Uh, nine?"

"Nine what?"

"How am I supposed to know?" Castle frowned.

Javier swung his head from side to side in an effort to shake lose a memory _. Five and four_ he repeated in his mind, they were important, significant and he was now surer than ever that Kevin had been trying to tell him something. He wracked his brain until it was on the tip of his tongue yet not coming forth when Castle's cell phone rang.

Javier glared at the object for its misdemeanor and Castle hurriedly answered the call for the fear that the other man may just throw the piece of technology on the ground before stomping on it for good measure. It was a legitimate fear and Javier glared until the writer had backed off into a corner.

He was still chewing over the numbers when Castle ended his phone call. The writer looked pale but there was a hard gleam in his usually merry eyes.

"You wouldn't believe who had come to visit me today." He said.

* * *

Something tickled in his ear.

"Sleeping on the job Kevin?"

"G'away."

The soft fluttering in his ear didn't ease.

"Come on Kevin, you don't give up this easy."

He groaned and managed to peel his eyelids a fraction. Light; glaring and piercing greeted him and he closed his eyes again with a low moan.

"We have to get out of here," this time it was urgent and painful.

It was the gasp at the end of the sentence that pushed his eyelids back up.

Smell of wet earth and the magnified glades of grass had him frowning. He was lying on his side in a lawn it seemed but that wasn't right. Last time Leo had talked to him they were in a warehouse, pinned down by gunfire while his partner bled out in his arms.

Kevin's eyes opened further and darted around wildly.

"Right here you idiot," Leo crouched before him so that he was in his line of sight.

Kevin's frown deepened; there was something wrong, though he couldn't put his finger on it.

"You're going to lie there all day or will we be moving sometimes this century?"

He licked his cracked lips and tasted the copper tang of blood. His breath hitched softly and he wished Leo would go away and just let him sleep. It was comfortable here and he felt like he had just pulled his partner up on the roof after the maniac had tried to jump buildings; Kevin decided he needed to be paid better if this crap was to become a regular thing.

"Like it here..." He managed to breathe out.

"And that right there shows how much sense you have," Leo shook his head, "Get up Kevin if you want to live."

Leo could scream at him till he was blue in the face; Kevin may not remember what had left him feeling so drained but he felt it alright, and that meant he had earned his rest. He closed his eyes again only to find himself back at the warehouse.

 _Their tight corner is almost compromised; his hands are sticky and slippery at the same time as he counts his last five bullets while the weight of his partner in his lap hovers between unconsciousness and death. Kevin curses a blue streak that the nuns at his school wouldn't have believed he was capable of._

 _He slaps his friend and the head lolls slightly before the glazed over eyes blink open._

" _You stay awake," he growls._

"... _tired."_

" _Yeah? So am I." Kevin ducks as another spray of bullets comes too close for comfort, "You don't see me napping."_

 _He shot off two rounds and dipped back behind the cover on the wall. The gash in his side made itself known and so did the bullet in his leg. Kevin decides not to think about it, the bullet grazes and dubiously severe gashes he could survive, the bullet in the leg he isn't so sure about._

 _He looks down at the red pool he's sitting in and knows that this much blood should not be out of the body, but he'd be damned if he knew how much of it is his partner's and how much of it is his own._

He gasped and opened his eyes again.

"Serves you right for ignoring me," Leo snickered from somewhere beside his head, "Now if you don't want to be buried alive, MOVE."

That shook the numb cocoon around him and as the pain hit him like a malevolent bolt of lightning it cleared up the dire reality of his situation. He lifted his head up as the low sound of dirt being shoveled reached him. The exertion drained him of the remaining energy and he thumped his head back down.

"I don't think I can hold on much longer." He confessed as his vision threatened to black out again.

" _One step at a time bro,"_

"Who said that?" he frowned.

"What?" Leo frowned too.

Kevin shook his head; he was too tired for this. Here he was about to be buried alive and Leo thought it was funny to play games with him. The two of them had been undercover for almost three months now and he was too tired to hold on to this anymore.

" _Just one more day bro, hold on for one more day,"_

* * *

She didn't seem more than twenty years old. Clutching the mug Martha had offered her, she sat like one who wished to dissolve into a corner. As it was, she was pressed against the armrest of Castle's ridiculously comfortable sofa and nearly hunched over the bag in her lap. The only thing remotely identifying about her was the smell of jasmine.

"You know something about my partner?" Javier had had enough of the silence.

The girl flinched and curled further, Javier felt bad for her but he didn't have the time to spare feelings. He stepped closer to the girl and she shrank back, the mug in her hands shook and a few drops of lukewarm tea escaped over its rim.

Beckett's hand on his shoulder worked as a silent order to back off. He didn't look away from the dark head bent too low as the writer crouched before the girl.

"Hi I'm Castle, you told my mother you had to meet me," he said.

The girl looked up, her big eyes roamed over the face of the man before her gaze skittered away. She clutched the mug tighter as her back straightened a bit.

"What's the first thing you always do when you come to the precinct?" she asked quietly, looking anywhere but at the three rather intimidating people before her.

Castle frowned and Javier shifted his weight where he stood.

"That I always do? Well, make coffee for Kate and myself I guess,"

The girl looked at him again, this time her voice wavered only a little bit.

"Mr. Castle?"

"That's right,"

"I'm Anastasia," she left the mug on the floor and pulled out a hard drive from her bag, "Sean – no – Ryan said I have to give you this."

The three stared dumbfounded as Castle held the hard drive that they were sure their friend had been tortured over. The girl dropped her gaze again.

"He said to go to Mr. Castle, gave me your address." She shrugged, "Don't go to the police go to Castle,"

"The princess in the Castle," the writer stared wide eyed, "You're Anastasia, of'course you're Anastasia, the lost Russian princess."

"Wait, why not the police?" Beckett frowned.

It clicked in Javier's mind as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. It was all clear now and he feared that it had come too late.

"Five and four," he said, "Fifty-four. I worked out of the fifty-fourth and what did we find when Ike resurfaced?"

"The IA agent..." Castle groaned.

"Someone close to this case is in on it." Beckett nodded.

"I saw the man, the policeman talking to Cortez and told Sean," Anastasia spoke up, "He said he was Ryan, he said to take this and go to Mr. Castle."

"Anastasia do you know where Ryan is?" Beckett asked.

The girl wrapped her arms around herself with a frown and gave a barely perceptible nod.

"I was there, until they took Sean – Ryan out for execution." She said.

The room spun a little as Javier clutched the back of a chair to keep at bay the dizziness threatening to overtake him. It was true then, his partner, his best friend, his brother was dead.

"Sean – Ryan is a good man," Anastasia went on, "He is kind. I help him. I change the bullets."

"You what?!" three voices asked, six eyes stared.

Anastasia curled into herself a bit further. She gave a small shrug of a single shoulder.

"Plastic bullets," she murmured, "Cortez uses them sometimes."

He stopped breathing all over again. There was a chance; there was still a way that Kevin might be alive. He had one bullet wound to the shoulder and three shots to the chest, even plastic bullets could be lethal at such a close range but Javier wouldn't think about it. Life couldn't be so cruel as to give him hope again only to yank it from under his feet.

He inhaled sharply when black spots began dancing in his vision. After the blind faith that had kept him going, the shore of hope steady under his feet left him all kinds of wobbly.

He only caught snatches of Anastasia describing where she had come from and only paid attention to Beckett when she ordered him. He got ready for the raid on autopilot and let adrenalin guide him through the action. When he stepped onto the lawn where his partner had been gunned down Javier had never been more terrified. He didn't know whether to laugh or to cry when they found a large man lying dead beside an open grave, a blood stained shovel tossed carelessly over the upturned earth.

They found blood where he knew his partner had been but there was no sign of the man himself.

"He's not here!" Javier snarled as the house was cleared, "Beckett he's not here!"

He couldn't understand it, where the hell was his partner. Javier was on the brink of starting to shoot down the men they had captured until one of them told him where Kevin was. He was only stopped by Beckett's hold on his arm.

Her phone rang and she answered it with a snapped "What?"

Javier watched the color drain from her face but had to admire the resolve of the woman before him when her composure didn't break. She gave a sharp nod and tugged Javier after herself.

"What? Where are we going?" he hurried to fall beside her long strides as Castle did the same.

"We're going to the hospital, they found Kevin."

* * *

Silent tears and pursed lips, the woman didn't even make a sound, not even a sniff. Javier wished she would, this silent grief was killing him. But the wife of his best friend refused to be coddled, so Jenny sat in one of the blue plastic chairs clutching her wedding ring in her hand, the same one that often rose to wipe at her increasingly red face. Beckett was a silent presence besides her, offering her a warm hand to hold once in a while.

Castle sat across the two women with his elbows braced on his legs and head bent low. From time to time he took to walking down the hallway, past the long line of doors but never too far from the double doors they all glanced at every five minutes.

Besides Castle was Mr. Patrick, the man who had found Kevin. Rather the man Kevin had found, Javier couldn't wrap his mind around the idea how his partner had made it all the way to this man's house being in the condition he was. His eyes often strayed to the bent white head from where the detective stood leaning against the wall.

Javier couldn't tell if the man was praying or humming or freakin reciting Shakespeare. But his soft monotone paused after a while and the blue eyes caught him staring.

Mr. Patrick got up from his spot and came to stand beside Javier.

"You're his partner." It wasn't a question, "He talks a lot about you."

That was a surprise, because Kevin hadn't mentioned this man to him, only that his partner back at the Narcotics was a man named Leo. He had taken the lack of detail about his friend's old partner as a sign that there was nothing to tell. Apparently, he was wrong.

"Told me he was glad that you're a different brand of insanity then my boy was," Mr. Patrick chuckled, "He hadn't quite forgiven himself you know. I keep telling him that what happened was always a possibility since my boy got his badge."

Javier nodded; he hadn't the presence of mind to utilize the skill called talking, one that he had mastered at the grand age of fourteen months. His brain was still fumbling over the fact that someone could just walk out of those doors and announce that this entire search had been for nothing. That they were really sorry for their loss but there was nothing they could do more for his friend.

He'd been on the receiving end of such news a lot of times during his time in the military, it had hurt every time but this was different, this was his brother. The guilt and desperation were boulders on his back that threatened to drop him to his knees right where he stood.

They both watched the orange-brown doors in silence.

"He hated it in the beginning," Mr. Patrick said, "being called Leo; but warmed up to it in a matter of weeks. And he always said that was because he was partnered with the most stubborn twerp this side of the coast."

An old bony hand patted his shoulder.

"That tenacity brought him to my door after all the hell he'd been through," the old man said, "Don't give up on him just yet."

All of them turned towards the wide double doors at the sound of footsteps and blinked when they saw no one. Javier turned his gaze around to the other end of the corridor and saw Lanie coming towards him. For the second time that day, he went into her arms like child out of the cold.

* * *

It came to him in flashes, his journey to Mr. Patrick. He had to tell him that he was sorry for Leo's death, had to tell him that he firmly believed no father should have to bury his son, that he was so so sorry that he couldn't save his partner. The last thing that he remembered was the white door of the Patrick house. He had knocked, he had waited and then he had fluttered off, like a leaf on the wind.

 _Dark and light, pain and relief, danger and safety, past and present, Leo and..._

Kevin couldn't remember. There was someone he was supposed to remember but the pain wouldn't let him think straight. Someone slapped his face, ordered him to open his eyes. He was thankful when the wind came for him again.

" _You're not supposed to be here!" Leo huffs as he bends over with his hands on his knees._

" _Excuse me?" Kevin arcs a brow._

 _His partner straightens and plucks at the sweat soaked shirt that's clinging to his skin. The frown on his face tells Kevin that he is not pleased to find him here during the man's run. But it's not like just because Leo comes to this park that Kevin can't come here to enjoy the morning._

" _Let me rephrase that, you're not allowed to be here,"_

" _And who revoked my permission?"_

" _I did," Leo rolls his eyes and wipes the back of his hand over his sweaty forehead then pushes his fingers through his drenched black hair until they stick to his skull._

" _You bought the park?"_

" _Maybe I did," Leo reaches forward and pulls him up to his feet with a hard jerk on his arm._

It jolted his body from the tip of his hair to the edge of his toenails.

"Wait I think I got a beat, OK bag him."

"Ready?"

"On the count of three," the voice was too near but it was not the voice he was looking for, "Come on let's move."

There were too many hands on him, searching and prodding. Fingers poking him in the eye of the pain radiating from so many places that Kevin couldn't really keep a track of it. But he knew one thing; they were not the hands he was looking for.

" _What? You're back again?" Leo glares at him with his hands on his hips and looks up at the sky as though hoping for divine intervention, "You're determined twerp, I'll give you that."_

 _It's Kevin's turn to roll his eyes. He maybe a newly promoted detective but his partner treats him like he's a kid out of high school._

" _Don't you have a better place to be?" Leo smirks, "Aren't there better people to be with than sitting here alone?"_

" _I can think of a lot of people who're a better company than you," Kevin smirks up at him._

 _Leo simply grabs his shoulders and hauls him up to his feet. When Kevin gives a stare both confused and surprised his partner simply grins, turns him around and gives him a shove that is not gentle at all._

It left something heavy pressed on his chest but he hadn't the strength to shove it off. The world zoomed past him and a jumble of voices ebbed and flowed in its wake. Interment flashes of fluorescent light left him dazed and Kevin squinted up at the blurred faces. He couldn't remember who he was looking for but he was sure the face was not in this crowd.

As the world picked up an even more frantic pace, he let the wind blow him away again.

" _You don't get it do you?" Leo asks from where he had sat down beside him._

" _I'm sure you'll enlighten me," Kevin raises his face to the sun._

 _Still he can't stop the shivers that travel up and down his spine. He wonders why he's this cold when his partner is sweating like he could melt into a puddle._

" _You've gotta go back Kevin,"_

" _Back where?"_

 _Leo looks back and taps him on the shoulder until he does as well. Kevin stares wide eyed because it wasn't there before, he's sure of it. He glances to his side and notes for the first time that there are no other people in the park aside from the two of them._

" _You want me to go into that sink hole?_

" _I'll shove you in if I have to,"_

" _Is this some sort of a payback?" Kevin snorts._

 _Leo looks at him with sincerity in his blue eyes and the sinkhole suddenly appears in front of them, it's edge is crumbling under Kevin's toes._

" _Yeah it's payback for all the times you saved my life." Leo says and pushes him in head first._

He slammed down onto the scratchy padded surface feeling like a sweater vest hung out to dry, heavy and limp. A shrill monotonous beep broke into a jerky rhythm somewhere far away and a distant murmur of voices reached his ears.

White light, white walls and white pain skirted the edges of his consciousness; there was movement in his periphery he could tell, though he couldn't see. The world stopped around him and buoyed by the drugs in his system he settled like he would on his back in a lake somewhere in a far off land.

 _Clear, soft blue lapping under him and clear bright blue lulled above._

Soft footsteps and precise touches invaded his serenity but he refused to pay them mind. He waited for a shore that would lead him back to the park, back to Leo.

It wasn't until he felt a warm touch on his forehead that he realized again how cold he was. He frowned up at the blue sky and focused on to that touch until he heard a broken voice.

"You'll be ok bro, ya hear me Kev? You'll be ok; you just gotta hang on through this."

He couldn't tell who this was, but Kevin was sure it was the voice and the touch he had been waiting for.

* * *

 **I was going to write a grand rescue, heartfelt reunions and the works but then this sort of happened...**

 **TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**To all who faved, followed and reviewed THANK YOU. It's an amazing, humbling feeling to know that you are heard. Your words are cherished and re-read often. This is the last chapter, I tried to do it justice and hope you people enjoy it.**

 **Apparently I wasn't done torturing Javier.**

* * *

Javier was not a thunder cloud; he was the entire tropical hurricane all unto himself. He had come out of the visit from the recovery room looking ready to overturn furniture and blow away anyone who dared neared him.

He could not forget how tiny his partner had looked, how the ventilator sounded when it hissed and how cold the skin under his palm had been. It might have been his imagination but he was sure that his partner had responded when he had placed a hand on his forehead. It was nothing visible but Javier had felt a smoothening, a settling.

That was Monday morning and when he glared at the date his computer displayed it showed Monday afternoon of the next week. His coworkers had given him a wide berth ever since he had forced himself back on the job and he had a feeling that the perps he caught were giving in all too easily and quickly.

He glanced at the whiteboard they had set for Kevin's 'murder,' it was still up because the man who had been working with the Reapers was still at large. Turned out that the man Anastasia saw meeting with Cortez was Detective Terry and while tens of arrests were being made due to the evidence Kevin had secured, William Terry had still escaped.

"Why don't you take a break, I'll wrap up the reports." Beckett offered.

With a sharp nod of thanks he was out of his chair, down the building and in his car. It may have sounded insane to most but he spent any free time he had at the hospital, it was a silly notion that if he was in the vicinity his partner would wake up soon.

Because Kevin had yet to gain consciousness and Javier couldn't breathe easy until he did.

" _Crashed three times… severe blood loss… spleen was perforated – two ribs punctured a lung… Blunt force trauma to the kidneys, we're hoping that they'll hold their own eventually… shoulder will need physical therapy, we're trying to stave off the infection … third degree burns on the abdomen, we'll see if they need skin graft … We were able to save most of the skin on his back and stitched it close … bronchitis, we're trying to not let it develop into pneumonia… stable but critical…"_

Javier hated that term, 'stable but critical,' he couldn't understand how it was supposed to be comforting as the doctor's tone had implied. That's what they had been saying when his best friend had nearly died again which led to the surgery where his spleen was removed.

This particular morning the doctors had taken his partner off the ventilator. Javier had felt his own breathing still when the mechanical hiss that had almost become a hateful comfort fell silent. In the eerie quite the soft gasp of breath that his friend took sounded too loud, too good.

Javier had barely felt Jenny squeezing his hand and had hoped that at least for the moment his partner was done with giving him mini heart attacks.

He was pulling into the hospital parking lot when his phone rang. As the rolling tires of his car came to a stop Jenny told him that Kevin had woken up. He was out of his car before he had ended the call, later he would wonder if he had remembered to lock it but for the moment he dashed towards the entrance of the hospital, past the automatic doors and into the lobby. The elevator was taking too long to arrive so he used the stairwell, clearing two steps at a time in his haste to get to his partner.

It was an effort in vain, because by the time he reached Jenny, the doctors had already taken Kevin for tests and when they wheeled him back in, the man was asleep.

That night Javier sat again by his friend's bedside wondering not for the first time if this all could have been avoided had he received the call that morning. Had that been what Kevin had been calling him for? His musings were cut short when the finger bearing the pulse-ox meter twitched at the side of the blanket. Taking care not to disturb the various tubes and wires Javier grabbed wrist adorned by the hospital wristband and glanced at the woman curled onto the sofa by the wall.

It was nearly half an hour later that Kevin showed anymore signs of waking up and Javier woke Jenny up for his impending break through to consciousness. They were standing at the side of his raised head when Kevin finally blinked awake.

"Kevin, honey, hey….." Jenny grabbed his hand as she smiled through her tears, "You'll be alright honey; you'll be just fine."

Dull blue eyes roamed over her face for long seconds before Kevin blinked and cast his gaze towards his partner who stood just a step back from the woman. Confusion creased his tired face and he blinked rapidly as though to clear his vision.

Before Javier could say a word the nurses had descended upon them. They shooed the two of them out as they paged the doctor and helped to ease their patient back into the world of the living. It was another half hour before the doctor finally emerged from Kevin's room.

"He seems a bit confused, it's to be expected after the trauma but physically he's as good as he can be considering everything." The doctor smiled.

That was all Javier needed to hear at the moment. He shifted his weight as Jenny began questioning the doctor in detail and was immensely grateful when she nodded to him to go ahead and sit with Kevin.

His friend looked paler, like just waking up had drained him of any energy he had left. Javier was afraid that he had slipped back to sleep but the blue eyes fluttered open again when he took a seat. The detective couldn't keep the grin from his face, just knowing that his friend was on his way to full recovery made him feel giddy.

He rubbed a hand over his tired face and smiled.

"So I found a grey hair on my head today," he said, "Any guesses who's responsible for that?"

Kevin looked at him long and hard then offered a tentative smile.

"Who are you?" he asked.

Javier paused, opened his mouth then closed it with an audible click. He clutched the armrests of the chair he sat in and hoped that he would not hit the ground too hard because it felt like the floor had been snatched from right under him.

"Sorry, I need a minute," Kevin took a measured breath through the nasal canula as he shifted against the pillows before he turned his attention back to his visitor.

"Are you here to take my statement detective –?" he squinted at the badge Javier wore with a chain around his neck.

Swallowing past the lump in his throat Javier looked his best friend in the eyes.

"Javier," he said, "Detective Javier Esposito,"

"Do you know where my partner is Detective Esposito?"

A punch to his gut would have felt gentler than the honest inquiry from the man before him. To top it all Kevin looked a bit worried and Javier felt something sharp and hot sting his eyes, the idiot had just come around after hanging onto life by a thread and he was worried about his partner. And yet Javier wouldn't expect anything less from the man.

"He didn't make it did he?" Kevin closed his and swallowed hard, "He wasn't waking up back there and I knew – I just knew then."

Unsure suddenly about what to do Javier got up from his chair and moved closer to the man, he would have reached out to the uninjured shoulder before but now he wasn't sure of his place.

"I have to talk to his father," Kevin looked to him again, "I have to tell him –"

"Yeah, sure you can, look uh –," Javier racked his brain for words to calm the man down.

"Kevin Ryan," the man nodded, "I'm Kevin Ryan."

"I know!" Javier snapped.

He bit back a growl as the blue eyes opened wider in surprise. He couldn't believe that his partner had taken a pause in the conversation as a sign that Javier had forgotten who he was. He wasn't the one who had gotten his brain scrambled!

With a sigh Javier dropped back in the chair and ran a frustrated hand through his short cropped hair. From the corner of his eye he could see that he was being watched and it took every ounce of his military trained self-control to not scream out the unfairness of it all.

"I know who you are Kevin," he told the man from the bottom of his heart, "And I want you to know that it's not your fault."

Whatever Kevin was going to say was cut off when the door opened again and Javier heard the click of heels on the tiled floor. He shot out of his seat to intercept the woman but it was too late.

"Oh honey you look paler than before!" Jenny glided closer and placed a soft kiss on the rather bewildered patient.

If there was any blood left in the man it rushed to his face, leaving it streaked red and at any other time Javier would have teased him mercilessly. At that moment however it confirmed his worst fears, Kevin hadn't just forgotten their partnership he had forgotten his wife as well.

"Uh Jenny?" he tried to get the woman's attention.

"You had me so worried Kevin Ryan," she grinned, "You ought to be glad I was so sure that you would pull through or this would have been a very different meeting."

Javier caught the terrified glance his partner cast his way before he stared up at the woman stroking his hair.

"I'm sorry I just….." he shook his head and frowned, "I'm a bit foggy here….."

"Jenny a minute please," Javier grabbed the woman by her elbow and dragged her to the door.

* * *

"You should have seen it Beckett, he looked straight at me and had no clue who he was talking to," Javier slumped against the wall of the waiting room.

"The doctor said that it is temporary," she assured him, "He'll come around."

"What if he doesn't?"

"People who go through trauma suffer memory losses," Lanie assured him, "They repress it as a coping mechanism but it comes to the surface eventually."

"I'd be glad if he forgot what he went through but why would he forget all of us?" Javier's voice sounded hollow, "Why would he forget Jenny?"

"Because I came long after Leo," the woman in question approached them, "The last thing he remembers is the botched assignment where he lost his old partner."

Beckett offered the woman a bottle of water wishing she could do more; Jenny had started looking like she wouldn't be out of place on one of the beds in the wards. Beckett wondered if she had even gone home for more than a few hours ever since she had cut her trip short and returned to the U.S.

"But why?" Javier growled, "Why forget us?"

"Maybe he was focusing on his old partner before he succumbed to his injuries," it was Castle who answered, "No, just hear me out. In the video he said that his partner was Leo and later discoveries proved that he was thinking straight at the time."

Javier raised an unimpressive brow.

"Ok so mostly straight," Castle shrugged, "So maybe he focused so much on his old partner to protect Javi that the pain molded the two traumas of his life together and now he can't remember one of them."

Beckett had to admit, on a very theoretical and hypothetical plane, it made sense.

"He's stuck in the old trauma and can't remember his life after that." She nodded.

* * *

Castle searched the kitchen, the bedroom, the bathroom, he wandered through the entire apartment his girlfriend called her home but couldn't find the woman. They had decided to head back home after it was clear that Kevin needed his rest, undisturbed, especially by people whom he considered strangers. It was hardest on Jenny and Javier when they realized that the man couldn't sleep with them in the room.

Castle had followed Kate to her apartment building, seen her enter it just as he found a parking spot. He had let himself in using the key she had given him just a few days ago, but now she seemed to have disappeared.

He wasn't sure if it was the mystery writer in him or the fact that he just knew the woman on some instinctual level but Castle found himself up on the roof of the building, where the love of his life sat with her back against the bricked up chimney. Without a word he slid down beside her and quietly held the fingers that reached for him. He had no idea how long they sat staring at the dark expanse lit up with sporadic lights, sharp from buildings nearer and taller with softer glows from the lights afar.

"It's my fault," she finally spoke, "I did this."

"You did not,"

"It was my obsession," she turned to him with eyes so bright and yet so dark that Castle felt a lump rising to his throat.

He clenched his jaw and shook his head.

"Not your fault," he said.

"I broke their friendship, I broke our family,"

She pulled on the hand she held until their joined hands came to rest on her heart and let her head drop on his shoulder. Although he couldn't clearly see her face at the angle but Castle was sure that for the first time since all this mess had started tears had finally broken forth her barriers.

Together they sat staring out at the lights of the city until the new dawn washed them all out.

* * *

He was dozing in and out of sleep after a long day spent talking to Mr. Patrick again. He was the one visitor Kevin knew what to say to ever since he had woken up in the hospital two days ago. While the man had explained that it had been years since Leo died, he insisted that Kevin had done all that he could for his son. Although he didn't go into details nor pushed him to remember yet he did mention to him his new partner, Detective Esposito and his wife Jenny.

Kevin couldn't warp his mind around the fact that he was married. What kind of a husband forgets his wife?

He glanced to the side where Jenny had placed the soup she had brought for him and he had thanked her by insisting that she should go home and rest. While it seemed like a gesture of kindness, he knew in his heart that he didn't know what to talk to the woman about as she sat curled on the sofa in his room.

" _You could help,"_

" _And deny you the learning experience?" Leo smirks._

 _With a muffled gasp Kevin forces himself to roll onto his stomach, the burns on his front reignite and leave him feeling nauseous. Every inch of the way that he manages to cover in his pathetic crawl is an agony. The only good thing about his slow progress is that the man busy digging is not able to hear him move._

 _The large man throws down the shovel and hops out of the fresh hole in the ground. He wipes the sweat from his eyes and frowns when he realizes that Kevin is not where he left him._

 _Kevin rolls onto his back just as the man grabs him by the throat; his struggle is weak and comically ineffective as the large man drags him to the grave. Soon he is dangling over the hole in the ground and his world starts narrowing to the snarling face. It is that pure survival instinct that allows Kevin to swing back a trembling leg and kick the man in the knee. A dizzying release is all he needs as he scrambles for the shovel and with a burst of adrenalin in his veins he hits the man over the head as hard as he can._

 _The two of them drop in synch and as the larger man falls forward on his face, Kevin sways on his knees. He's trembling and shivering and there's a whistle in his breath that he's sure shouldn't be there._

" _Don't just sit there, get up!" Leo sounds nervous._

" _Get up Kevin, or so help me – Get UP!"_

He awoke with a grunt. His eyes darted towards the light coming from under the closed door of his hospital room, he could have sworn that there was something not right by the way the light had cut and the shadow had shifted. His hand curled in the memory of his service weapon that wasn't there at his hip and his gut screamed at him that whoever had stopped outside his door, he wasn't friendly.

When the door opened, a tall dark eyed man in a pair of ill-fitted scrubs walked over to him with an easy smile.

Kevin had thought about calling the nurse but he couldn't let an innocent life get caught in the cross fire. He glanced towards the door and estimated the distance; he couldn't sit up straight without support but if all that Mr. Patrick had said was true then he could make a run for it if the situation demanded.

"Hello Detective Ryan, this won't take a moment," the man grinned as he injected a large dose of something yellow in his IV line.

Kevin had a feeling he should know this face, he had seen it he was sure but the identity kept slipping through the cracks in his memory. His frown deepened as the man stared from the IV line to the wounded detective who still stared back steadily.

"This not working?" he asked and tapped the clear plastic tube with his finger.

"It's working perfectly," Kevin told him.

"Then why isn't the medicine flowing into your system?"

"Maybe you should check," he offered knowing full well that he had taken the needle out before the man had entered.

As the taller man came around to the other side Kevin urged his body to move. When the man traced the tubing down to his arm Kevin shoved him back with all the strength he had and used his injured shoulder to roll off of the bed.

The other man got to his faster than the detective and Kevin again found himself on the business end of a gun. He suddenly remembered another tall man in a mask leveling a gun at him and his mind raced back in a hurry to reclaim all the lost years. It left black spots dancing before his eyes as he tried to scoot away from the line of fire. Distantly he heard the door being opened before gunshots pierced the air.

Kevin stared as the man with the gun slumped to the ground and he looked back at his fuming partner who was standing in the open door with his gun still raised. The dark eyes had a flinty gleam in them as Javier took in the scene he had come upon.

"Javi," Kevin smiled and swallowed to manage the pain that crashed into him.

"Javi, I think that was Detective Terry," he said.

* * *

When Javier was sure that there was no more immediate threat to his partner's life he let the medical staff whisk him away. The man was halfway to unconsciousness anyway but the detective was beyond relived that he had recognized him.

The 'Detective Esposito' had been grating on his nerves and had left him wanting to punch something every time he heard the title from his friend's lips.

He had a long night of calling in the attack and the subsequent shots fired. When he finally slipped back into his partner's room around dawn he wasn't surprised to find the man sleeping. Loath to wake him from desperately needed rest Javier cut himself a break as well and headed home.

It was late in the afternoon when he came back to the hospital. The door to Kevin's room was open and as Javier hurried forward thinking the worst he was surprised by the soft sound of chuckling that reached him.

He paused inches from the door when he heard his friend laugh.

"I'm just glad she got away safe," he was saying.

"That's what matters," the other man agreed.

Javier recognized Vincent's voice and wondered when these two had become buddies.

"I'll say it again, I'm sorry for what Terry did."

"Not your fault. We can't be held accountable for other people's actions."

"Still, he was my partner." Vincent sounded defeated, "Should have suspected something,"

"It's hard to not be blinded by loyalty," Kevin sounded tired, "It's hard to know when to stop and even harder to face what you should do about it then,"

There was a moment of silence before Javier heard the creak of a chair on the tiled floor and the unmistakable rustle of papers.

"What's this?" Kevin asked.

"Transfer forms,"

"OK…"

"Look I know they're giving you hell at Homicide and I would be lucky to have you watching my back," Vincent paused, "I may sound selfish but after Terry I need someone I can trust."

"Vincent I –"

"You don't have to decide yet," Vincent cut him off, "take your time. You're back on the desk on Wednesday right?"

"Yeah..."

"So you have until then, just think about it ok?"

Javier didn't wait to hear the reply, he couldn't. So he slipped away quietly without meeting his friend.

* * *

" _Where are you Javi? Kevin said you didn't come by today; I thought after yesterday you'll want to catch up with him."_

Jenny sounded confused and Javier deleted the message as he scowled at the beer in his hand.

He wouldn't do that would he? He wouldn't just up and leave their partnership just because Vincent asked. He had friends here, they were more than co-workers. In some twisted, vaguely pretzel shaped way they were family right?

"… _He was asking about you."_

His friend was changing departments; he was going to get a new partner and Javier was absolutely fine with that, he could do whatever with his life and so could Javier. They weren't responsible for each other, it's not like they owed each other anything.

Javier pretended he didn't hear the end of Beckett's conversation.

" _We came home today, but I guess you already knew that. Everyone was there except you. You got to come over Javi, I know you're not that busy."_

Will he even want him there? With all that he went through because of Javier will he even want to look at him? Jenny was an optimistic soul; she couldn't understand that if Kevin did want to see Javier he could call. He could leave a message instead of her.

If his brain nagged him that he could call his friend too, he ignored it.

"… _Go and meet him."_

And say what? Hi! So we're no longer partners and maybe not even friends but I wish you have a good life and Vincent had better watch your back? Javier groaned as he stared at his full plate of diner and pushed it away. He had to wonder if he had been the one who hadn't been watching his friend's back this time.

With a frustrated sigh he deleted Beckett's voice message.

"… _Call him if you can't go."_

It's not that he can't it's just that he won't but Beckett wouldn't understand that. Javier sighed; there was nothing left to say between them.

" _He doesn't say it but he misses you Javi, every time we meet I can tell he's searching for you in the group."_

Castle was writer, he could read between the lines, he saw what others didn't and Javier believed that he sometimes even saw what wasn't there. Case in point: the man's teasing about Javier's feelings for Lanie when they were clearly friends and sometimes more, but still friends.

Javier's brain was getting tired; he deleted the voice message and switched on the television.

" _Damn it Javi! He thinks you haven't forgiven him yet!"_

Javier frowned at the voice message, because he thought it was the other way round. Jenny's voice reverberated in the empty bullpen where he was sitting alone. With his friends handing him out helpful advice and opinions he had taken extra measures to avoid them. If that meant that he had to stay later at the office to finish his work, Javier didn't mind.

He looked up from his cell phone when the elevator dinged to a stop at their floor; he hadn't heard their Captain exiting her office. So it was with a frown that he watched the figure slowly move through the open doors that slid aside, a box tucked under an arm while the other arm was held securely in a sling.

"Kevin." He stared.

"Hey Javi…" the man looked at him in surprise and paused on his way to his desk, "Working late? I mean, not that you shouldn't be but I didn't think you'd be in, not that it would have affected my decision for coming down here, not that I mean it should've, but yeah, no sorry, I don't think I'm making any sense."

The rambling was so like his partner that Javier couldn't stop himself from rolling his eyes even as he struggled to tame his grin. With a shake of his head he let the man through past his desk to Kevin's own.

"I'm getting back on the job tomorrow." The man said and Javier didn't miss the sideways glance cast his way, "thought I should clean my desk before it all starts."

This was not how Javier had imagined facing his friend again and this was not the way he had thought their partnership would come to an end. He couldn't decide if he was being selfish in hoping that Kevin would stay or was being selfish by letting him go.

"So you filled out all the forms?"

"Filled and signed," Kevin tapped the envelope that sat in his box.

Javier couldn't stand there and watch his best friend wrap up the desk that he had occupied ever since the two of them had transferred to the 12th Homicide Department. He didn't offer an explanation as he escaped to the break room. It was out of the need to have something to do and not stare through the window at his rather bewildered partner that Javier busied himself by making coffee.

He rummaged around the cabinet for his mug when his fingers curled around a smooth porcelain surface and he pulled it out. It wasn't his mug but Kevin's and it was broken. The broken off handle was inside the mug as was a strip of paper.

"Traitor," it read.

"Damn it!" Javier slammed the cabinet shut and marched back to the bull pen.

It was empty, Kevin's desk was cleaned out and the man was nowhere in sight. Javier was glad that Captain Gates was still in. He rushed to her office and barged in before she could respond to his knock.

"Did he give them to you?" he asked.

"Excuse me?"

"The forms did Kevin give them to you?" he stood halfway through the door, undecided if he should enter or go.

"He did," Captain Gates arched a questioning brow.

Javier sagged against the doorframe a bit; he had hoped that Kevin had believed in their partnership to give it another chance. But then he berated himself that it wasn't like he had asked him to stick around. If anything he had made the man feel like he couldn't tolerate his presence.

He walked back to his desk, picked his jacket off the backrest of his chair, switched off his lamp and left.

* * *

Red was stop.

Green was for go.

Yellow, that was the one he hated. The one that told you to get ready, for stopping for moving but in itself it was neither. Just a limbo, an anticipation and a procrastination hanging in mid air.

Javier couldn't remember how many blinking combinations of the three he had come across. He had been driving around the city ever since he left the precinct and stopped finally outside of Kevin's apartment building.

He knocked on the door he had crossed through so many times but had never felt this nervous before.

"Jenny I'm not a toddler, I told you I can handle a few hours to myself…" Kevin's complaint died in an awkward silence when he opened the door.

Javier wasn't sure who out of the two was more shocked to see the other one.

"So you did it?" he hadn't meant for it to come out as a growl.

"Good to see you too," Kevin said and moved back to the living room without a backwards glance.

Javier took the silent invitation to come in and followed his friend into the apartment. He watched as Kevin gingerly lowered himself onto the orange sofa and slumped into its worn material.

"You signed the forms and gave them to Gates."

"I did,"

"It's over then,"

"Thankfully,"

Javier cringed. There was nothing more to say, Kevin had made his choice and was glad about it, the least he could do was be happy for him. It didn't help that he felt like there was a gaping hole in his stomach and that his mind was blaming his own silence that had pushed their partnership to the breaking point.

"I'm feeling that you're not happy about it." His friend looked confused.

"I am," Javier bit out a smile, "I'm happy for you, hope you have a good life."

"I'm planning to," Kevin shrugged before his eyes narrowed, "Why are you here Javi?"

And once upon a time his best friend would never have questioned his dropping by at an odd hour. It hurt on so many levels that Javier had to perch on the armrest of the couch to keep from feeling dizzy.

"I came to apologize." Javier said, "I never wanted our partnership to come to end and I know I haven't acted like that in the past couple of weeks. But I still wish to be friends with you, if you want that is and I'll be keeping an eye on Vincent, you tell him that if he isn't watching your back I'll know."

"Wait, Vincent?" Kevin frowned, "Why will Vincent be watching my back?"

"Because he's your partner," Javier felt like he was missing something.

"And when exactly did that happen?"

"But you signed the forms and gave them to Captain Gates…"

"Yes, the insurance, the report, the… you thought I was transferring?" Kevin's eyes widened and a snort escaped him, "You thought I was – and how did you know about Vincent's offer anyway?"

Javier offered him a sheepish grin.

"I overheard you two talking,"

"So that's why you disappeared," Kevin nodded to himself. He picked up the cushion beside him and smacked his partner on the face as hard as he could, "You could have just asked you idiot."

Javier caught the lumpy pillow with a grin that refused to be suppressed and tucked the cushion under his head, which came to rest on the sofa seat beside his partner. He squirmed to find a comfortable place for his knees on the armrest from which he had flopped down.

"So you're not transferring?"

Kevin gave him a sideways pointed look for his efforts in clarification.

"Why?" Javier had to ask.

"We're partners Javi; it means I know how you work." Kevin slumped again into the sofa and absentmindedly rubbed at his sore shoulder as he searched for words, "I know what you do and I know why, I may not agree with it but I get it. I knew you'd be mad at me when I went to Gates but it was my decision for my reasons."

"You didn't want to lose another partner," Javier nodded.

"Leo was much worse than you when it came to bending the rules, but he was coming from the right place." Kevin gave him a soft smile and pushed his fingers through his hair, "So I knew that you would eventually come around once we started working together. Our partnership is stronger than few differences in approach right?"

Javier nodded; he couldn't trust himself to speak immediately. The stress of the past few weeks and the easy relief that his friend offered left his throat tightening and his eyes burned.

"When I saw that video, what that bastard did to you..." His jaw clenched and he shook his head softly, "God! Kev there were so many times I thought you could be dead..." He drew a hand through his hair and left it there, unconsciously pulling on the short curls, "And all I could think was what I have done; you saved Beckett, you saved my life and all everyone could see was a traitor just because I blamed you. I've been such an ass."

"Yeah you have," Kevin said and patted the man with his good hand.

"I'm sorry Kevin,"

"I know," Kevin let his head drop on the backrest, "I forgave you somewhere between deciding to go undercover and actually stepping into the role."

They both sat there contemplating the ceiling and if both pair of eyes were a little misted over neither of them pointed it out. It was long moments before they were able to look at each other again. Javier glanced aside at the bowl of half finished soup of something green on the coffee table.

"Jenny is still in the mother-hen mode," he observed.

Kevin grimaced, "She insists it's healthy."

"I'm ordering pizza." He said.

* * *

When Jenny came home and found the two of them asleep on that hideous orange sofa she simply grinned; because in spite of the soreness and cricks awaiting her husband come morning, it was for the first time in a long time that she had seen him so peaceful.

Draping a blanket over both men she switched of the television and dimmed the lights of the living room before she slipped into the bedroom and turned in for the night.

* * *

" _ **It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends."– Dumbledore [Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone]**_

* * *

 **END**


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